Swimming With the Light On

It began when I
started distrusting my body.
The pain I felt,
physical, burning,
debilitating,
Betrayed by my own
being,
my real world existence,
tangibly attacking itself.
It changed me.
Gradually
intentionally and
by omission,
My habits, my actions.
my personality, my beliefs,
the things I cared for
the things my fear focused on
the ones I surrounded myself with,
and didn’t.
I retreated.
From the world,
out there,
with all of the people.
From myself,
cowering from not knowing
not understanding
what my body would do next.
A reminder that I was
never in control
and might never be.
Over time
that pain grew roots
into my nerves
my muscles
my neurons.
I wrapped it all,
to cushion
to protect.
To hide.