I’m stressed out. But, it’s the good kind of stress. It’s the kind of stress that I actually feel “empty” without; the contestant feeling of having things to do, a purpose, a challenge in front of me that comes with a self-imposed sense of urgency. Others can judge it “unhealthy” but, knowing what I know about myself, I wouldn’t want to go through life without this feeling.
I think that’s why I became extremely bored during high school and college. I didn’t challenge myself in any way. I signed up for easy classes and settled for status quo (if that) and became more sentient as each week passed. Part of me knew that my negative attitude was my own self-doing yet, I never took any steps to correct it.Now, a totally different story. I’m traveling down a road that will lead me to reach a professional level that I never imagined I would achieve. I haven’t been this excited about my job since I was first hired (ten years ago). My enthusiasm has dramatically increased (colleagues have already started to comment on how excited I am when I talk about the project). It’s exciting in that this project reaches out to every single aspect of what our organization does and, if implemented correctly, will have tremendous impact on our overall program growth and sustainability.
This is what I thrive on – a challenge bigger than I give myself credit for. A challenge that my previous low levels of self-esteem and self-doubt would prevent me from even considering. A long-term project that I would have otherwise turned down because of my fear of commitment to any single entity. There’s no more “one foot out the door” looking at other job opportunities. This is an all-in, must see this project through drive that has developed from deep within. It comes with a sense of deep passion and commitment; it’s something I want to look back on my life upon and see it’s success as one of the biggest achievements of my life.
It’s different now. I’m different now.* This Sunday musing was written on Monday due to an extremely busy weekend.